Here is what I would like to tell every new parent of a disabled/neurodivergent child entering the school system. I learned this the hard way. Hoping to pave a path so it’s easier for those who follow.
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You are going to be entering the school system and advocacy will be required.
How the school system responds to you, as a whole, is not personal. They are not peering into your soul and basing their response on what they see. Even if they really like you, it wont change their response. They will protect themselves no matter what, first.
School districts speak a different language. The language of liability. The language of ableism, racism, and patriarchy. They are assessing you based on risk. How risky of disruption or expensive are you going to be?
There is nothing wrong with you. You haven’t done anything wrong. This is not your fault.
The lens through which they evaluate and come to a conclusion about your child is not your shame to carry. It is theirs.
You are dealing with a colonial system. This is a machine that has been operating for a very long time. The machine thinks it is successful and wants to keep going.
When people gaslight you, try to control you, ignore you, and/or silence you, this is an example of the colonial machine. The machine has different priorities. Stability, predictability, risk-management, union contracts, power and control, etc. If the system were a person, we would describe them as narcissistic using coercive control.
If you are someone who has experienced abuse and trauma, this will be especially triggering.
However you cope with this, it is not your shame to carry.
However you learn to navigate K-12 education, please don’t internalize their behaviour towards you as a reflection of your own value.
How they behave is a reflection of the machine, and it has nothing to do with you.
How the machine grinds and turns the wheels is not a reflection of all who personally works within it. There are fabulous caring people in education. Some people help grease the wheel more than others. Some are completely oblivious to it. Others just think, this is how things work and defend the system. If you are in the school system long enough, you will meet wolves in sheep clothing. Intentional or not.
Being able to identify what is a reflection of the machine, can save your mental health and protect your emotional capacity when you advocate.
This is a chess game. There are rules. Learn to play the chess game and it will help you advance. Get the most of what you can for your child and their education while staying afloat.
There is hope.
You will know when you are not getting what your child is entitled to, where to focus your energy, or when it is time to leave. Knowledge is power.
You belong to a community, whether you have found us yet or not. Your people are out there. There are more people advocating for your child than you may realize. Movement has been occurring. The machine doesn’t want you to recognize those. So, we remind ourselves.
“The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don’t have any.” – Alice Walker
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More blogs on the school system:
Liability in Education
School Emergencies
Understanding Systemic Change