There is a common thread that runs through every parent who has dealt with a significant “event” with a school district. It doesn’t matter what district you come from; the responses are cookie-cutter, and they respond in the same way. We can thank the insurance company for that.
I am not referring to a slow build-up and lack of support; I am talking about an event that has a date. A beginning and end date of the event.
There was the before the event. The event. Then after the event.
Parents, myself included, go on and on about two types of harm.
There is the event. First harm.
Then HOW the school responds. Second harm. This just makes everything a million times worse.
The second response feels like acid on a wound. But there are two very different significant types of harm here.
The event is horrible enough. One would expect transparency and information so we can help our children heal and understand what happened to them. That it wasn’t their fault. The adults messed up.
While we are trying to cope with the aftermath, for our children and ourselves, we are forced into a specific type of advocacy that we are not aware we are entering. But what we get instead are psychological warfare strategies that are flat-out abusive. The longer this goes on, the deeper the trauma trenches become. For many people, this is triggering and sends them reeling back into their own history, which is suddenly shoved back into their face. The body responses come back, and everything starts to feel familiar.
The school wants you on their side, so they flood you with promises that everything is going to be okay.
You want answers. You want to know this isn’t going to happen to anyone else.
Then they ignore you, pretend you don’t exist. Gaslight you. Lie to you. Minimize. Push everything under the rug. They don’t believe you. Tell you things are different than what you are telling them. Ignore you some more. Pretend you don’t exist.
But you aren’t going away.
Then they grace you with their presence again, but it’s time-limited and set with conditions. Withholding information. You’re desperate and have zero control.
You start to plead and barter with them. Desperate for information they will NEVER provide. Trying to make sense of – how on earth did this happen??
You ask questions that they don’t like and will never answer.
Then they ignore you, pretend you don’t exist. Gaslight you. Lie to you.
The cycle continues.
Everything is fake.
Everything is planned.
They want something from you. Compliance. They want you to fall in line. Shrink. Go away and pretend it never happened. They want you to be quiet.
If you don’t give them the response they want, they ignore you.
If they think you’ll comply, they give you attention. They flood you with promises that everything is going to be okay.
It’s dog training. They have our children in their care as leverage.
Trust is never restored.
It’s incredible how hard they fight.
We just need to create our own leverage.
They won’t do what they need to do on their own, so we need to make them. The school district taught me that the only way to do that is to file a complaint.
Accountability in the school system, unfortunately, comes from parents. What other system is there?
It won’t be the board. They are protecting their liability too. You’ll get the same strategies from them. Same psychological techniques. Pull you close when they want something, ignore you when they don’t like your email. Makes promises they won’t keep. They will blend in with the district, lawyers and insurance company. They won’t have a choice.
So who?
Who makes sure that school districts are ethical? Not just focusing on their own liability interests but on the best interests of the children?
Parents and caregivers.
If you have never had this happen to you, it can be easy to think that filing a complaint is going to add stress and make things harder.
It does-ish, but it also removes the peel-your-face-off feeling because having everything just pushed under the rug and them all celebrating their escape is intolerable.
It’s scary because you think… what else have you gotten away with? Is this your normal?
Filing a complaint is action. It gives you a goal and hope for change.
So for parents who are navigating this, I give you this information. Chances are, you are going to have to file some kind of complaint for them to do what they should be doing. Because if they think you’ll let them get away with it, they’ll take it.
It’s sad because trust is never returned, and every communication move they make just feels like strategy. People don’t try to annihilate you and then are genuinely eager to see you. You will never think they aren’t cooking up the next plan. You can feel it in your body.
Your body will whisper to you, “Hey! psst. You aren’t safe with these people.”
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This is an Emergency! Serious School Incidents
School Protection Program – School Districts – Lawyers: The Three Musketeers
Liability in Education